Oram Outside

I cannot recall the last time I have felt completely content. Perhaps I never have before now but I believe that it what I’m experiencing currently.

My life has always been focused on looking forward to the next thing. The next job, the next semester, the next trip, the next season. This perpetuated a feeling that I was unhappy or unsatisfied with where I was. I cannot recall a moment where I felt fulfilled or where I wasn’t striving for the next big shift in my life.

This isn’t a bad thing necessarily. I have achieved some pretty great things because of this mentality. It kept me motivated and working towards the things that I prioritized. It may have robbed me of some of the enjoyment of the journey. In the end, I’m happy to be where I am.

I felt unsteady, lost, always searching for what I needed more in my life. This was evident in how frequently I would change my mind about jobs, vehicles, or hobbies. I would create new identities of myself, choosing a “dream” job, picturing where in the world I would live, the house or van I would send my time, and then try to imagine it as if it were reality.

I had done this constantly, until now. Now I’m completely happy and content with where I am in my life. There are a few major factors that have helped me get to the mindset and place in my life.

The most impactful factor is my boyfriend Connor. He has been to most constant thing in my life for the past 4 years. Before Connor I was a leaf in wind, but now, I’m grounded with him. We have made huge strides in our relationship the past few months that have solidified us together.

The most recent change is achieving my goal of becoming a full-time nursing school professor. I set my sights on this goal during my third year of my undergrad program and accepted the job only 14 months after graduating with by BSN. This role has been so rewarding and this is the first time I’ve had a job that I could see myself still working at in 5 years. I don’t have a need to look up other job opportunities, different career paths, or anything like that.

I wasn’t until I open a browser on my laptop to google job opportunities when I realized I had nothing to search for. I had no desires or curiosity to drive me to look at different opportunities. It was a breath of fresh air.

Does this mean I don’t have anything pushing me towards new goals? No. I’m still working on my master’s degree which requires substantial motivation. This does mean I don’t feel the need to run away from where I am currently. I don’t have my happiness anchored on the idea that “if I can just get to this future point in life, then I will be happy.”

Now my goals are focused on growing into my current job, chasing after my passions, and falling more in love with Connor.

It makes me wonder, was it my mindset robbing myself from experiencing contentment in life or have I just reached to moment in life that I was always chasing?  Either way, I’m content with where I am.